It takes a brave man to admit that he is afraid. Most of us hate to admit that we are ever afraid. Living in addiction and alcoholism, we have likely done plenty of terrifying things. We tell people who don’t understand and they are shocked.
When we tell people in recovery our story, they don’t seem surprised at all. They know the truth, because they have felt exactly as we did. In taking the 12-Steps, they were able to admit that much of their actions and much of their lives were propelled by fear.
At first, it can be shocking to see a man who seems so strong admit that he was afraid – afraid of dying in his addiction, afraid of losing his family or job, afraid of his feelings. But then we realize that his strength comes from his ability to admit his fear and face it through the work of the 12-Steps.
We see that he gets freedom from his fears when he takes them through this process. As John Wayne said, “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”
How Fear Shows Up in Recovery
When men enter recovery, fear doesn’t simply disappear. Instead, most people in recovery are introduced to new fears they never knew existed. Fear of relapsing, fear of being judged by others, or fear of being genuinely sober can all be roadblocks during the early stages of recovery. But recovery is not about eradicating fear—it is about learning to manage it in a healthy way. By recognizing fears and overcoming them through the 12-Step process, men are able to start to understand their own emotional reactions and confront their fears with courage. It’s crucial to keep in mind that these fears are natural and a part of the healing process.
Fear and the Importance of Vulnerability in Recovery
Vulnerability is perhaps the hardest part of recovery, especially for men who have worked so long in building walls about their emotions. Most men dread being honest with their feelings for fear of judgment, rejection, or not being understood. Recovery teaches us that vulnerability is an indicator of strength. It takes a brave individual to talk about his fear, to admit weaknesses, and to expose himself to others. At Jaywalker, we ask men to be vulnerable in a support system—be it with a sponsor, in group therapy, or with recovering men. By doing so, men are able to recover and connect with others.
Fear of Change and Transformation in Recovery
The single biggest fear of recovery is a fear of change. We are so used to our old patterns of thinking, living, and coping that even the idea of changing our lives can be more than we want to handle. But real recovery means embracing change—change in our minds, our behaviors, and our relationships. Fear of the unknown is a fear of change that might keep us from fully embracing recovery. But with the support of a healthy recovery community, the 12-Step program, and faith in a power greater than themselves, men can begin to see that the changes they fear are actually opportunities for growth. Fear of change dissipates when we start to feel the freedom and happiness that come from living a new life.
Spirituality and Fear in the 12-Step Process
Spirituality is one of the significant factors in eliminating fear. The 12-Step process encourages men to turn to a higher power to address their fear. Whatever higher power that is, whether God, the universe, or even the teachings of the 12-Step program itself, spiritual connection enables men to tap into a sense of peace and faith that can make fear less in control of them. Men come clean about their fears in Steps 4 and 5 and begin to let go of the power that those fears hold. With time, the fear that had appeared insurmountable becomes less daunting as men feel a greater sense of connection with their spiritual selves, trusting more in their own strength and in the support available to them.
The Impact of Fear on Relationships in Recovery
Fear affects us not only individually but also heavily on our relationships. Guys in recovery typically have fears of intimacy, fear of judgment, and fear of letting others down. These can lead them to be isolated, have strained relationships, or be distrustful. Recovery, however, enables guys to heal and rebuild their relationships by addressing these fears. By doing this by opening up and being truthful, and by getting support from others, they realize that the true connections are through trust and vulnerability. Men consequently attain healthier, more fulfilling relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.
Fear of Not Being Good Enough
Many men in recovery have feelings of inadequacy or fear of not being good enough. This fear most often stems from a history of failures, past mistakes, or negative self-perception. It may fuel perfectionism and the notion that they’re unlovable or not deserving of accomplishment. Recovery, though, forces men to love and accept themselves for who they are, imperfections and all. Confronting these fears teaches men to accept their true selves and realize that they deserve healing and happiness. The 12-Step process, along with therapy and support, helps men overcome the deadly thinking patterns that hold them captive and move forward with confidence.
“I’m Not Afraid”
Bravado is a common characteristic of men in general, let alone those who suffer from alcoholism and addiction. We have done – and survived – crazy things. We may often think to ourselves, “I’m not afraid.” But recovery asks us to take a good look at ourselves.
What is underneath our destructive alcoholism and addiction? Could our anger and hostility possibly be hiding the fact that we are afraid of something? Could being the “lone wolf” type really be a cover-up for the fact that we’re afraid of getting close to people because we don’t want to get our feelings hurt if they leave us? The answer is usually “yes” – but again, it takes a brave man to admit it. If you’re here and reading this, you’re already braver than you know.
In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says that we are “driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.” These things drive our addiction and behavior. When we let ourselves be subconsciously driven by fear and its friends, we often end up suffering greatly.
The book goes on to say “we think fear ought to be classed with stealing, it seems to cause more trouble.” It calls fear “an evil and corroding thread” and says “the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.” So maybe you really aren’t afraid – or maybe you’re just like all the rest of us.
Being afraid is part of being human, but fear does not have to be this destructive thing we hide from or avoid by acting out in harmful ways. Fear is one of the major things we learn to deal with as we walk the 12-Steps.
How To Overcome Fear
First, as we did with our alcoholism and addiction, we must admit our fears. We go through the 4th and 5th Steps with our sponsor to address our fears. These Steps do a great deal to help ease and even remove our fears. The 12-Step literature says we must have faith when it comes to dealing with fear.
As we ask our higher power to remove our fear and direct our minds to doing the right thing, we begin to outgrow fear. Spiritual connection – even if just to the 12-Steps themselves – can lead to a spiritual dependence that lessens the power of fear over us to almost nothing.
As we do the work of the 12-Steps at Jaywalker, we begin to live life differently. In fact, we begin to live in a different world. It becomes okay to tell another man that we are afraid of something. That man can often relate, and will likely share how he overcame a similar fearful situation.
It becomes freeing to experience anger or sadness, take a closer look at it, and realize that it’s just covering up fear – a fear that we can take to the 12-Steps, to our sponsor, to our higher power, and then be rid of it. As we face our fears head-on, with help, we begin to lessen the impact of many other negative emotions as well.
Admit Your Fears
The first step towards overcoming fear is to accept that we are afraid. Like how we accept being an alcoholic and addicted, we must accept in our minds the fears that are limiting us. Fear thrives on secrecy, and by acknowledging it, we start breaking the grip it has on our lives.
Work Through the 4th and 5th Steps
The 4th and 5th Steps of the 12-Step program help us explore our fears intensely and truthfully. By putting them down in writing in the 4th Step, we can see them objectively. In the 5th Step, we share these fears with a sponsor or someone we trust, which lessens their grip, since we know that we are not alone in overcoming them.
Build Faith
In the process of working through our fear, we are encouraged to increase in faith. This can be faith in the higher power, in the program, or in the healing process. The 12 Step literature promises us that the power to believe is the key to conquering fear because it gives us the strength and courage to confront fear head-on.
Ask for Help from a Higher Power
In recovery, we learn that we don’t have to do this by ourselves. Seeking the assistance of a higher power can lead us to peace and understanding. The 12-Step program shows us how to release our fears and trust that we will be guided to make the correct choice, and this lessens the grip fear has on us.
Cultivate Spiritual Connection
No matter whether one is practicing the 12-Steps, meditating, praying, or connecting with other recovering people, spiritual reliance is the key to escaping the grip of fear. The more spiritual we are, the less of a hold that fear has upon us. Faith is easier in the process if we just continue on.
Share Your Fears with Others
One of the most vital steps in recovery is to meet people who will understand. Sharing our fears with a fellow recovering man can feel totally freeing. Many times, we find they are capable of understanding our fear and we no longer feel quite as isolated. Understanding how someone else managed to beat what appeared to be the same fears gives us a model to follow for doing the same successfully.
Identify Fear Behind Other Emotions
Fear is apt to appear as anger, sadness, or frustration. By slowing down and observing beneath the surface of these emotions, we find the fear hiding underneath. Having an understanding that these feelings are only disguises for fear sets us free to work with the hidden cause directly, if through the 12-Steps, sponsor discussion, or reflection.
Face Your Fears Head-On
One of the best ways of coping with fear is to face it head-on. Healing is facing those that scare us, through the intervention of others and belief in the process. Gradually making our moves to face our fears, we become braver and begin to limit their hold in our lives.
Don’t Fear Imaginary Concerns
Our minds are magnificent machines, especially the minds of us alcoholics and addicts. We have wonderful imaginations. There is a downside, however. We often imagine things are far scarier than they really are, or we simply live in fear of completely imaginary events or circumstances. We fear our boss may fire us because he acted coldly, when in truth he just didn’t sleep well the night before.
We can dwell on our made-up fear for days and rob ourselves of happiness and usefulness. Many of the things we fear so greatly are paper tigers, things that appear frightening but fall over and disappear in a gentle breeze. Yet our fear causes us to act out, often harming ourselves or others in unexpected ways.
Learn to Live Fearlessly
The more we face our fears, the less they dominate us. Slowly, through continued work in the 12-Step process, we start living differently. Fear is not removed, but we are stronger and better able to deal with it. As we live in a new world, one where we have faced and overcome fear, we feel a sense of freedom and peace that allows us to thrive in recovery.
By doing so and adhering to these principles and steps, we can begin to dismantle the hold that fear has on our lives. At Jaywalker, we help men walk this path, providing them with the tools and support needed to overcome their fears and live a life of freedom and peace.
Everybody gets afraid from time to time, but alcoholics and addicts are usually gravely affected by fear. If we are willing to face our fears and look honestly at ourselves through the 12-Step process, our fears should fall away from us.
Overcome Fear in Recovery with Jaywalker
Fear can be the engine of many destructive habits and behaviors. Depression, aggression, and isolation can all be caused or worsened by fears that are unresolved. When combined with alcoholism and addiction, these conditions can be impossible to overcome alone. Using the 12-Step program and proven therapeutic methods, Jaywalker helps people reach past their fears to find the healthy, happy life they deserve. Call us today at (866) 445-1269.
